So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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