Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
