its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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