if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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