I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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