my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
