i need an iv and a liver transplant
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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