I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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