he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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