If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
