Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
