The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
