I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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