Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
