Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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