I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
