So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
