By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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