I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
