The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
