He kissed a someone with a penis
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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