Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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