Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
