I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
