your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
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Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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