he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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