Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
