My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
