I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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