I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
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I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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