I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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