Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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