They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
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There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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