We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
