cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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