Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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