I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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