he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
