Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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