You don't have asthma, your pregnant
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
