Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
