She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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