The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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