I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
