I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
