I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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