he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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