dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
