I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
