so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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