pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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