I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
