You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
