96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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