so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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