I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
