Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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